[NED DEFINITION]

How To Recognise A Ned

Your average Ned has an obsession with wearing Teflon covered tracksuits, in general, sporting offensive ticked or naked woman designs.
Not all Neds use public transport. However, do not fear, Ned-mobiles are easy to spot. Before you see the car you will note a particularly disturbing noise polluting the surrounding air. This is known by Neds as 'happy hardcore'.

The car itself will be a white Ford Escort. You may notice cases when it is a Fiesta; do not worry, this is perfectly normal. All this means is that all the Ford Escorts in their area have particularly good security systems.

It appears that for some bizarre reason Neds develop the urge to reproduce much earlier than their genetic cousins, humans. It is not uncommon to see what we might consider to be a very young Ned with offspring. Through scientific study of the species it seems that it is the pedal pusher and boob-tube wearing sect that produces the most Nedlets so early on in life.

It is convenient for our Ned-spotting purposes that all Neds look identical. However, be careful, this is no mere coincidence; it is a cunning plan masterminded by Neds for their own defence.

Male Neds will wear the traditional tracksuits and Nike trainers. Their hair will be very short, held in place by a superfluous amount of hair gel. The reason for this is to complement the greasy theme, which all Neds present so masterfully on their faces.

The females will have, without exception, peroxide blonde hair in a wet perm. Normally this will be scraped back into a ponytail or bun in such a way as to use the maximum amount of scrunchies.

Note: scrunchies must be white or an offensive fluorescent colour. In keeping with their male counterparts, the females spray their hair securely into position, to such an extent that you will notice the ponytail will not move, neither will the two bits of hair, strategically left out of their chosen hair style and cemented on either side of their faces.
The reason for wearing their hair tied up is to show off their gold hoop earrings and line of unblended bright orange foundation around the edge of their faces. Note also all Neds wear hideous [fake] gold rings on every finger.

Communication with Neds is very difficult as the language they speak is quite far removed from that spoken by normal people. They feel the need to use expletives for every other word, also Nedspeak is difficult to comprehend as they move their lips as little as possible, producing a vague muttering noise, indecipherable to non-steeks.

What To Do If You Know A Ned

If from the study of the above trademarks you realise that you know a Ned, don't worry or panic, there are steps that you can take to rectify the situation.

Unfortunately, once trendiness has set in there is little hope for recovery or chance of reform. This means that for the benefit of mankind, to avoid the further spreading of this Ned-epidemic, there is only one effective course of action. The subject must immediately be humanely put to sleep.
However, normal people do not normally associate with Neds, so if you are acquainted with many Neds you may have to consider the possibility that you yourself could be a Ned.

What To Do If You Are A Ned

As with most illnesses, it you are willing to admit that you have a problem there is hope that you will make a full recovery. However, if you recognise any of the symptoms in yourself and do not believe there is anything is wrong this is the time to take drastic action. There is no need to panic though; many forms of suicide are painless.

More Ned Resources

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